Who Would Have Thought?
by QuickSilverFox3
Summary: Alfred is confused, Berwald is passive, and Matthew and Tino play matchmaker. Human AU. AmericaxSweden, FinlandxCanada, mentions of USUK and FrUK. Rated because of a curse word. Another 'yes, you did read that correctly' one


AmericaxSweden Santa, Tea, Time Travel, USUK in McDonald

"Just suck it up and ring him already!" snapped the normally calm Matthew as he glared at his twin brother. His only response was an inaudible mumble and a negligent hand wave before Alfred returned to his staring match with the phone. He sighed and returned to the couch and his laptop. An evil thought crossed his mind and he quickly typed a message to Tino.

Alfred dragged himself through the front door sighing miserably. His twin's laughter echoing through from the kitchen just made him more depressed.  
"He's here! Wait just a second Berwald!"  
Wait what? He whipped around with fire in his eyes. Why would Matthew be on the phone with _his_ not-crush? But before he could do anything, he was dragged into the kitchen and the phone was pressed to his ear.  
"Hey. M'tt'e s'd y' h'd s'meth'ng t' tell me?"  
Alfred gaped at Matthew who was calmly retrieving items from the fridge in order to make pancakes. He blinked innocently at the death glower he was receiving and simply pointed to the large hole in the wall which was messily boarded up, courtesy of Alfred.  
"Oh, yeah… Erm, could you possibly come round and help me fix the wall dude? It sort of broke…"  
"S're. 'll br'ng m' w'fe w'th me t'. He w'nts t' see M'tt'e."  
"Sure! Are you coming around now?"  
"Ye'h. See y' s'n."  
"Bye," He turned around and glared at Mattie, "WHAT DID YOU DO YOU EVIL BASTARD!?"  
The glare he received in return made him stop yelling and leave the kitchen quickly. He knew how scary Matthew could be when you interrupted him when he was cooking. So instead he paced up and down the sitting room glancing worriedly out of the window.

The doorbell rang and he froze, staring at it like it was about to attack him. It rang again shrilly and French curses began to fly from the kitchen prompting Alfred to almost wrench the door off of its hinges in order to open it. Berwald calmly nodded to him and Tino quickly hugged him before running off into the kitchen to see Matthew.  
"Erm… It's this way." The Swedish man followed him wordlessly into the kitchen which Tino and Matthew had just vacated. His evil brother seemed determined to leave him alone with Berwald who (Alfred was pretty sure of this) was going out with Tino, who Mattie fancied. Nothing could ever just be normal could it?

"Wh't h'ppen'd?"  
Alfred bit his lip and flicked his hands like he was swinging a baseball bat.  
"It… broke?" he tried, flicking the kettle on to make himself a calming cup of coffee. It gave him more energy which in turn calmed him down. It was strange which was why he suddenly remembered Mattie had hidden the coffee because of the events which had lead up to him breaking the wall- he meant the wall becoming broken which had nothing to do with him at all.  
"Wh't h'ppen'd r'lly?"  
He suddenly became hyper-aware of the Swede's presence that seemed to fill the entirety of the small kitchen as the man towered over him subconsciously.  
"I punched the wall," he answered him honestly, unwilling to do anything else when Berwald was so close to him. Unfortunately this made him move away from Alfred and resumed his minute examination of the quite large hole in the wall.

His shoulders drooped from where had been tensed in anticipation. He sighed once more and made himself a cup of tea.  
"Want some?" Berwald grunted and shook his head. Alfred was paying more attention to him instead of the scalding hot water so-  
"Aaah!"  
"'lfred!" Berwald shouted, forcing Alfred's hand away from his chest in order to see it better. Matthew appeared in the doorway for a brief second before Tino dragged him back up the stairs, whispering something quickly to him as he did so. Berwald however was more concerned with Alfred who was still protesting that he was fine even as Berwald shoved his hand under the cold tap.  
"I c'n f'x th' w'll. W'll n'd st'ff fr'm m' h'me th'gh."  
Alfred blinked at him, before realising what he was taking about, "Sure. We might have some stuff in the garage though." He didn't want Berwald to leave.  
"W'fe! 'M l'k'ng 'n th' g'rage!"  
"M'kay!" Tino called back before dissolving into a fit of giggles.  
"Sh'll w'?" Alfred nodded numbly as he led the way through the house to the garage. Wife… He was with Tino, he had no chance. Berwald scanned the garage quickly and began to rummage through some of the boxes.

Matthew and Tino sighed as they absentmindedly flicked through the security camera feeds on the TV in the attic. Matthew was sitting in front of Tino with his head resting in his lap as Tino played with his hair.  
"Why is mon frère so- so dense?!" Matthew exclaimed slightly sleepily gazing up at Tino.  
"I don't know… But we have to make them realise!"  
"I still say we should've gone with plan B."  
Tino chuckled and gave Matthew a quick upside down kiss. "Regardless of how much you would enjoy it love, we cannot lock your brother and my husband in a closet- even if it would be strangely ironic."

That was the last time Alfred saw Berwald for a while. The wall was fixed and he had to deal with the fact that the house felt strangely empty even though he made enough noise. Matthew always seemed to be watching him now, but he could never get a straight answer out of his Canadian twin. Was Alfred just being paranoid? Then it happened.

"Al… Alfr…d Alfred. ALFRED!" Matthew made a frustrated noise gently nudged Tino to the side before leaning down to whisper in his fast-asleep brother's ear, "If you don't get up _right now_ I'm flinging your time turner from Harry Potter land out of the window."  
Alfred shot bolt upright, "But I haven't made it work yet!"  
Tino looked at him in confusion, "Why do you want to time travel for?"  
Alfred gave him a funny look, "I'd want to go back to the Great Depression and force my boss to stop it from happening."  
"Th't's a g'd 'dea."  
Alfred nodded sleepily and rolled over in the bed to try and go back to sleep when a sudden thought occurred to him. However it was gone as soon as it appeared and he snuggled further down under his nice warm duvet.

Matthew snorted and was steered out of the room by Tino to go and make pancakes for breakfast. That would possibly get Alfred out of bed. Berwald remained standing in the room and watched the sleeping boy. It was a bad habit of his. Alfred mumbled in his sleep, sensing the heavy gaze on him. Blue eyes blinked sleepily opening and attempted to focus on the shadowy figure in the doorway as a hand emerged out into the slightly chilly December air to locate his glasses.  
"H'r' y' g'," Berwald mumbled placing them into the outstretched hand that fastened quickly around them and retreated back under the covers.  
"Thanks… MATTIE!" Alfred was up and out of the room in a heartbeat. Berwald winched slightly as he heard the crashes that Alfred made as he tumbled down the stairs. He slowly followed the boy down the stairs to find him being pushed out of the kitchen with the first aid box in his hands.

"Husband?" Tino trilled sticking his head out from the kitchen door, batting his eyes at Berwald, "Can you patch up Alfred for us thank you!" Then he disappeared back into the kitchen and slammed the door. Muffled laughter filtered from behind the door and music began to play.  
"G've m' th' b'x."  
"Huh?" Alfred blinked at him in a state of sleepy confusion.  
Berwald reached across and gently unfastened Alfred's fingers from around the box, noticing the way the pulse jumped as his fingers locked gently around the boy's thin wrist. He deftly flicked it open and began to tilt Alfred's head up to reveal bruises on his neck that looked like small bites.  
"Wh't- D'sn't m'tter,"  
"They don't mean anything," Alfred whispered closing his eyes, "Nothing at all."

"Success!" Tino cheered, shooting up from the keyhole where he was spying on the duo. The loud music covered his exclamation so the only one who heard him was Matthew, who was making pancakes at a furious pace.  
"Really? That worked?"  
Tino nodded hugging his secret boyfriend quickly then backing off before he was accidently elbowed, "Remind me never to get on your bad side. A roller skate? At the top of your stairs? That is pure evil!"  
Matthew chuckled and resumed to flip the pancakes.

"So you're both staying here for Christmas?"  
"Y's."  
"Our boilers broken. We've got no water, no heat, no electricity, so Matthew said we could stay with you for Christmas. Is that okay?" Tino asked looking up from his pile of pancakes with chocolate sauce on. Matthew looked up at Alfred as well from his pile of maple syrup with added pancakes.  
"Nah dude. It's all good!" Alfred said beaming widely, praying that the three sets of eyes on him wouldn't notice the blush rising to his cheeks. Matthew and Tino returned to their conversation about ice hockey yet Berwald's heavy gaze remained upon him making him blush more.

Somehow, he was still unsure how, he had survived making a complete idiot of himself in front of Berwald but now it was Christmas eve and Matthew had convinced him to have a couple of drinks of alcohol. Not enough to make him drunk he noticed later, but just enough to loosen his tongue slightly and lower his inhibitions. Both Matthew and Tino were drinking coke using the excuse that Tino was going to be Santa at a children's hospital the next day and Matthew was helping him. Berwald had also been convinced to have a few drinks but it seemed to have no effect on him.

"So… Alfred. Truth or dare?" asked Tino managing to grin innocently but evilly at the same time.  
"Truth," he said back not slurring at all!  
The Finnish man exchanged a glance with the Canadian before opening his mouth- Bang!  
"Kumajiro!" Matthew yelled running out of the house to rescue his polar bear from the Russian's bear next door. Alfred still didn't know how Matthew came to own a polar bear, but he did. Tino chuckled slightly with an affectionate look on his face before returning to Alfred.  
"Wh'r' d'd y' g't th'm bru's's fr'm?" Berwald asked suddenly taking another swig from his can.  
Alfred went white. "I-I- think I want a dare instead."  
"Nope. Answer it or you're on hamburger restriction. Mattie said."  
Alfred gaped at Tino. "You're conspiring against me? With my own brother?!"  
Tino nodded. "Answer the question!"  
Alfred rubbed his hand over his mouth and mumbled his answer into it. He received two never-ending stares for his attempt at hiding the answer so he sighed and took another couple of gulps to help steady his nerves.  
"This might take a while," he warned them, but Tino simply gestured for him to continue.

"I went out on a date with Arthur Kirkland, the rich boy from school? Well, it was shit to put it politely because all he did was complain and moan but then for some reason when we were in McDonalds… he got friskier. I just thought he was warming up to me. What an idiot I was! He gave me those bites so I pushed him off of me. Then Francis came up, y'know Mattie's adopted brother? He started yelling in French at Arthur who started to yell back. Turns out- Hi Mattie! You managed to catch the bear?"  
Mattie nodded looking resigned. He sat down heavily and curled up resting his head on Tino's lap who immediately began to play with his hair. Alfred stared at them in confusion.  
"S'?" Berwald prompted after a long moment of silence when it became apparent that neither Tino nor Mattie where going to say anything and Alfred wasn't going to continue on his own.  
"Alright, so it turns out that Arthur and Francis had had an argument the night before and he asked me out to try and make him jealous. When I got back home I was just so mad- I felt like I was going to explode so I had to do something to just get it all out. I punched the wall and almost broke my hand and did actually break the wall."

A deep silence fell over the room. Alfred refused to meet anyone's gaze instead keeping his gaze firmly on his hands as he twisted his jacket over and over again.  
"I'm going to… go to the kitchen," Matthew mumbled, standing up before reaching a hand out and pulling Tino up too, "Tino's coming with me." And with that the two walked into the kitchen, leaving behind Alfred and the stoic Berwald.  
Alfred glanced up ashamedly at the Swedish man as he heard him move to crouch down next to him, "Wha-" he began to say, but he was cut off as Berwald pressed his lips to Alfred's. His eyes closed as he tilted his head to allow the Swedish man to continue the gentle kiss.

Coming to his senses, he pushed Berwald away roughly, a bit too roughly as the man landed heavily on the floor, "You're with Tino! This isn't right!"  
"Who's with Tino? Have you been cheating on me sweetheart?"  
Alfred's neck cracked as he shot around to look incredulously and worriedly as Matthew and Tino reappeared with gigantic grins on their faces even as Matthew lightly poked Tino on the nose jokingly.  
"We've been going out for months Alfred! Mattie, did you not tell him?"  
His twin shook his head and gave Alfred a disbelieving look. "How did you not realise _that_ Alfred? That's why we've been leaving you and Berwald alone!"  
"But you call him your wife! And he calls you his husband!"

"'t's j'st a th'ng w' d'. 'Lw'ys d'ne 't."  
Alfred looked from face to face and burst out laughing, hysterical laughter that caused the others to grab hold of his hands frantically and for Berwald to pull him close to his chest.

"Thank you. All of you."  
"You're welcome Alfred!"  
"Yeah mon frère I'm just glad you're happy!"  
"Would this be a good time to tell you Mattie that I broke the Christmas tree?"  
"I hate you."

**Prompts taken! Please review and tell me what you think? :)**


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